Womp womp womp…..I didn’t finish 30 DOG in August 😦 It’s okay, only a couple of days out. I have lots of other content in between then to make up for it! I have been busy trying to get this site off the ground 🙂 So, the lateness is not in vain! How am I wrapping up my gratitude journal for the month of August? Read below to find out! Oh oh oh, before you do that….you can also check out some of my other posts that were published before this!
See related: Cesspool of “meh.” | What’s Wrong? | My First Time At A Gun Range!
Let’s try this again.
Today, I stayed in bed for an extra 20 minutes. I thought about how much I would like to just sit there and not do anything. I’m not entirely sure what’s getting me up going in the morning. I think today particularly was because it’s pay day. There’s only been one time so far where this has all gotten the better of me and I didn’t do anything, and that was sophomore year. I wouldn’t go to class, I wouldn’t bathe especially because I wasn’t doing anything, I wouldn’t eat. I’m nearly there. I don’t want to go to work, but think I don’t because of the outside perception of “wow, good job Court” for getting a job, and also anxiety being like “you’re just a lazy, entitled, bratty, worthless POS who can’t handle being an adult if you don’t go,” so I do. I’m practically not eating because my appetite has been non-existent for probably months now, but more lately I really just haven’t felt like eating. I bathe though, especially coming back from the city and because I’m moving. Otherwise, if I was stationary, in all honesty I would just like to lie in bed and not do anything.
Yesterday on my way home I got a response email from my preceptor from my senior year. It was nice, and really helped to dissipate negative feelings I was having. Just going to try to go into the days and do the best that I can, not saying that it makes me feel better or makes the situation any better, but hey.
I also got my music back on my phone. Long story short: due to storage optimization, all but my purchased music was erased from my phone, and all of it was un-downloaded from my device. As such, and with my slow service at the moment, i haven’t been able to listen to music which is something that at least temporarily relieves some negative feelings for me. So, I am sitting here typing this right now fairly happy that I am able to listen to some of my music again.
Photo by Peter Hershey on Unsplash
Bet ya thought I wasn’t going to post these for more days! Fooled ya! Lol, just kidding. I am going to finish these strong, and make sure that I have other content queued up. Consistency is key! But that aside, want to see what I am most grateful for on days 27 – 29? Read to find ouuuutttttt 🙂
Writing my reflection of yesterday and thinking of two things – how I recognize changes in my depression and anxiety (increased irritability, catastrophizing, snowballing, teeth clenching, stomach aches, decreased appetite, persistent sleepiness) and also the fact that lots of job related angst is due to men not feeling like I’m doing my best.
I am trying to keep in mind that it has only been a month (not even a full one yet, so I should chill the fuck out a little. That’s the wild thing though, as clearly as I know all of this…it STILL doesn’t change anything for me. That has been an interesting change in dealing with my mental health in the last two years or so. I would say that I’ve always been pretty in tune with my emotions and the like, but I would say that my emotional intelligence has increased very much. BUT, that awareness is weird. I am acutely aware of how I’m feeling and why at all times, and can rationalize these things pretty well, but for some reason can’t fix them, or am not sure how to. Maybe it’s because it all comes down to self worth and that is not something one just “fixes.”
Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash
Headed to work work, and I have my sneakers.
I was ready and prepared to make up for yesterday, but wasn’t aware of the difference between the morning and afternoon schedules for the shuttle to transport me to my other site for the day. Thus? I once again ended up staying up at my home base. I was able to carry out the job duty required of me with that respect, but not as well as I would have hoped. That definitely set me in a funk, exacerbating whatever this muck of a mood is that has been plaguing me for maybe two weeks now.
Over the course of the day, this mood persisted. I tried to really sit down and consider why I am feeling this way, and was able to come up with this:
Yeah, didn’t keep up with my promise to get back into this. Sh*t happens, what can I say. They’re here though! That’s what really matters, right? What’s in store for days 21 through 26? Let’s see:
If you follow me on Instagram, you may or may not have seen this post where I said I was going to try to start writing things that pop into my head as they come up and just post them. Why? Fits more into mental health blogging the way I wanted it to be – unfiltered. With that in mind, I tried to write down reflections of each day this week, and wanted to start by posting from Monday. Of course, these will be behind since it is currently Wednesday evening, but…..
Let’s get started.
Feeling like I’m entering a trough again with my depression/anxiety hasn’t been on the greatest of levels since starting. That’s mostly due to the fact that it’s new, but of course there’s also Imposter Syndrome, among other thoughts that contribute to this.
See related: My Relationship with Imposter Syndrome
So I haven’t done these in a few days, whoops. As I said on Instagram (you should check mine out if you haven’t – if you want), there really isn’t an excuse as to why I haven’t posted, just need to get used to this new schedule is all. I think I’m going to go back to posting once or twice a week, even for these. I wanted to make these as “in the moment” as possible, but realistically, ya girl isn’t sitting around after winding down from being up since 4:30 AM to do these. Once or twice a week, but no more. Self-preservation.
To make up for the gap in posts though, I am including 31 DOG from the weekend that I missed, plus all the ones up until this Sunday. That should keep this whole thing moving, right?
Graphic image credit: Photo by Sofia Sforza on Unsplash
You read it right – I went to a gun range.
So I broke my promise to myself within one post. I think I’m going to start bunching some of these together. My hours aren’t bad by any stretch, but where they fall during the day definitely takes a toll on my stamina. Therefore: I didn’t have enough in me to write today’s post. So, again, I’m going to start writing these a couple days out in one. Hope that doesn’t bother anyone! But…the posts!