Snapped out, QUICK!

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Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Friday

Honestly, so weird. That mood really snapped out QUICK. I literally felt it lifted from my body. I feel focused and like I need to get back into goals. Want to get back more into blogging, organizing my things for that, marketing my posts, getting what I need to get done at work in order. So much.

It was so nice to just come home and relax. Well, relax as much as I could.

See related: The Visiting Ladybug | Blessings, or Whatever You Want To Call Them

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The Visiting Ladybug

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Photo by Benjamin Balázs on Unsplash

Wednesday

Writing my reflection of yesterday and thinking of two things – how I recognize changes in my depression and anxiety (increased irritability, catastrophizing, snowballing, teeth clenching, stomach aches, decreased appetite, persistent sleepiness) and also the fact that lots of job related angst is due to men not feeling like I’m doing my best.

I am trying to keep in mind that it has only been a month (not even a full one yet, so I should chill the fuck out a little. That’s the wild thing though, as clearly as I know all of this…it STILL doesn’t change anything for me. That has been an interesting change in dealing with my mental health in the last two years or so. I would say that I’ve always been pretty in tune with my emotions and the like, but I would say that my emotional intelligence has increased very much. BUT, that awareness is weird. I am acutely aware of how I’m feeling and why at all times, and can rationalize these things pretty well, but for some reason can’t fix them, or am not sure how to. Maybe it’s because it all comes down to  self worth and that is not something one just “fixes.”

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Cesspool of “meh.”

craig-whitehead-292902Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash

Tuesday

Headed to work work, and I have my sneakers.

I was ready and prepared to make up for yesterday, but wasn’t aware of the difference between the morning and afternoon schedules for the shuttle to transport me to my other site for the day. Thus? I once again ended up staying up at my home base. I was able to carry out the job duty required of me with that respect, but not as well as I would have hoped. That definitely set me in a funk, exacerbating whatever this muck of a mood is that has been plaguing me for maybe two weeks now.

Over the course of the day, this mood persisted. I tried to really sit down and consider why I am feeling this way, and was able to come up with this:

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5 Obstacles Introverted/Anxious Students Face Making Change

5 Obstacles

Note: I wrote this post in January, mid-trough point in depression cycle. Only now getting around to posting it, sorryyyyyy. I also want to preface this by saying that I do not consider myself to be an activists. There is still a lot of unlearning I need to do and research I need to do. Also, I don't think that I am actually doing or have done anything substantial. This post was brainstormed in the middle of my fellowship while I was working on my project, and I was trying to organize thoughts I had during that time.

I have been trying to be more vocal in terms of trying to contribute to and reform my campus, but there are a few pesky problems that my introversion, anxiety, and depression cause from time to time.

1. Is this really a problem? Or am I over-analyzing (like I do everything else).

With anxiety, there comes a tendency to over-analyze situations. I spent the first three years of my college career convinced I was going crazy because I thought no one else noticed the things I did. Sometimes, I still feel this way, even though I know there are others who feel the same way.

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B*tch You Don’t Love Yourself! 5 Signs You Are Not Being Kind To Yourself

Self-love and self-care are terms that are thrown around a lot these days. They’re more than taking a bubble bath when you’re feeling stressed, or listening to your favorite song.   These are processes that one should regularly engage in – making conscious efforts to be present and kind to the self. Personally, I know I could do a lot better with practicing self-love and self-care, as I am not nice to myself in the slightest (so I’ve been told).

Are you being unkind to yourself? Read 5 signs below, or watch the video above to find out!

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5 Facts About Me

In the spirit of shaking things up a bit, here are 5 facts about me!

5 Facts About Me

I’m an INFJ

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately, deeply woven, quilt-like, mysterious, highly complex, and often puzzling, even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired, yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.

NFJs are believed to adapt easily in social situations due to their complex understanding of an individual’s motivations; however, they are true introverts. INFJs are private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Though they are very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner. – source

I love the colour blue (even though everything on this site is green)

It is often associated with depth and stability.

Blue is strongly associated with tranquility and calmness.

Light blue is associated with health, healing, tranquility, understanding, and softness.
Dark blue represents knowledge, power, integrity, and seriousness. – source

Favourite animal is an elephant 

The strength of the elephant is tremendous. No other animal on land can match the elephant. It knows its own strength, and confidently strides across the plains aware of its power. It also uses wisdom, and is very intelligent, and thinks things through to all of its conclusions. – source

Tea > coffee

Tea People: When people ask you what you’re planning on doing with your life, you generally curl up into a small ball à la Roly Poly and cry softly to yourself. You have way too many books you plan on reading — and Tumblr posts you plan on reblogging — to consider things in terms of “career.” You are not really upwardly mobile, professionally speaking, but that’s okay. You’re just figuring things out. You’ll get to it. It will be fine. – source (I thought this was so fitting for this semester haha)

 

I am a Scorpio through & through 

I just want to preface anything I put below by saying I don’t take these things to heart. I do think that the things they write about Scorpio’s are funny at times though. But, anyway…

Personality

Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpio. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpio may not speak volumes or show emotions readily, yet rest assured there’s an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, Scorpions are always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead. – source

Do any of these things ring true for you? Tell me a bit about yourselves! Let me know on social media 🙂

Keep up with me on TWITTER & INSTAGRAM!

-Court

I Sabotaged My College Experience?

I feel like a fraud. I shouldn’t give anyone college advice. I was so enveloped in my depression and anxiety freshman-junior year, I didn’t really do too much. Yeah there were a couple parties sprinkled into my college experience, a few games here and there, and even a few friends. However, I spent most of my time working, in class, or at home studying, sleeping, or streaming movies and TV.

I often wonder if I didn’t like my school because of the culture, or if I wasn’t able to enjoy it because, again, I was struggling. I talked myself out of things as I often do, I withdrew mentally and emotionally, and I tortured my mind, body, and soul.

As I head into my senior year, I am more convinced that there was an interplay between these two: I came into college already dealing with depression, but environmental factors put it into a pressure cooker and I cracked.

But, after much rambling, back to the question posed in the title: yes and no. Yes, there are many ways I could have changed the outcome of these years. But, I am a firm believer (even though I forget many times) that things work themselves out. Yeah there are plenty of times I want to kick myself in the mouth for not doing x, or going to this meeting, or applying for this thing, etc, there are many reasons I am thankful for these hard times.

Yes, I may have “missed out” on some opportunities, or took longer to reach certain decisions. Yes, I might have had a better social experience if I went to another school on my list, or if I had listened to myself and followed through with transferring. But no, I don’t think I sabotaged anything. This semester aloneI’ve been able to intern/shadow in a Neurology clinic, work with an amazing human rights organization, come closer to solidifying my future career plans, gotten to speak at the U.N., and so much more. Yeah, I wish things could have gone a bit differently, but I’m so happy with the direction life is taking.

For my seniors out there, how are you feeling about your college experiences (reflecting)?

-Court

#GivingTuesday with Breakthrough U.S.!


Hey there everyone!

I mentioned very briefly in my September (or October) Favourites that I am participating in a fellowship with Breakthrough U.S. We are a human rights organization working to end gender based violence each and every day through culture change! I’m beyond grateful to have been granted such an opportunity, and very happy with the work I have been doing. I know in the Bloggersphere, we are often bombarded by links to companies and so on and so forth, so you may not be inclined to click this, however, I promise you this is worth it.

Tomorrow is #GivingTuesday, and in the post linked below, all Breakthrough is asking is that *you* share ideas for an action that can help create SAFE and INCLUSIVE spaces for college students across the country. Not hard at all, right? Start a discussion with your friends! Tag ’em into the post if you’d like! Share it! Most of all, don’t shy away from posting because you are embarrassed of an idea, or think that it is “stupid.” There’s power in words, and yours matter 😊

Check out the post here

Btw, not kidding when I say you should share. I spent my first 3 in college analyzing things on campus that I felt weren’t being handled properly, and that made students feel unwelcomed, but never thought I could do much to fix it. While it is proving to be a lot of hard work, working with, and sharing my ideas with Breakthrough has really helped me find my voice, and validate my observations. I have never felt as empowered to make on-ground change as I am now, and that is something I will always be thankful for. So, please don’t think your ideas are too small 💕

Have a great day!

-Court

3 Reminders For When You’re Feeling Like A Failure

On Feeling Like A Failure

“Always do your best. What you planted now, you will harvest later.”

– OG Mandino

This summer has been quite an experience as far as self-love. Part of that journey for me has been coming to terms with my path, and not letting my thoughts of success (or others thoughts) deter me from trying to carve out my future.

For millennials, and college students in particular, there is this immense amount of pressure to “have your life together” by the time you graduate. This pressure has prompted a couple of posts (which you can read here and here). To keep things frank, lately I’ve been feeling like a bit of a failure because of this notion. If you have been feeling this way due to school, or whatever else it may be, keep reading to see some of my tips + affirmations to keep you pushing through.

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Why I Blog

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This was originally published August 2015. Edited August 2016.

In the hopes to diversify the content of my blog, and display some more of who I am, I’m going to do things a little differently this time. Instead of a beauty product review/first impression, style collage, shout out, or the like, I’m going to discuss a question I think we all as bloggers have been faced with – why do we do it? What is it that propels some of us to continually devote hours of our lives on something many see as just a hobby…when to us it is so much more?

I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I blog because it has given me a voice.

Background

I’ve never opened up about this on here, but I suffer from major depressive disorder. It has been a huge hindrance and nuisance in my life for many years, and has had an immense impact on my social life, relationships – platonic and romantic, physical health, and of course mental and emotional health. For YEARS I have felt like a prisoner within my own mind.

A lack of self-worth and self-love led to self imposed isolation, a deterioration of friendships, repeated disappointment, misery, loneliness, and most importantly, an overwhelming sense of despair and lack of motivation to continue on. So many self defeating thoughts and negative affirmations would constantly dart through my head; I couldn’t sleep, I would drive myself to the point of not being able to eat, my body was weak, I was constantly tired….my body and mind were rapidly deteriorating. It came to a point where I felt as if I were at a loss.

Through all of this, as I mentioned before, I was isolating myself to an extent. In this time, when I wasn’t asleep, I was on my computer watching beauty YouTube videos. I had been watching these “gurus” for a few years now, but found that these types of videos were increasingly providing me comfort in a way. I could watch the videos and learn, and more importantly see how much knowledge I had picked up over the years. I don’t know what it was/is about these videos, but learning about all of the new products, seeing how they are so creatively used by so many to create countless looks, and understanding so much information about such a vast array of products fascinated me.

The “Spark”

Watching so many of these videos, especially those done by people around my age like Lauren Ross made me think, “I know a decent amount about products, what’s stopping me from talking about them?” Now, I was in no way, shape, or form prepared to delve into YouTube, but I did (and do) enjoy writing. What better way to combine the two than start a blog?

So there I was, a short while before Thanksgiving Break, with my new blog. At first it was just an outlet for me – a place where I would go to spend time and take my mind off of the annoying invasive negative thoughts that were plaguing me. Over time, I began to pour more and more time into it: paying closer attention to the content I was producing, working to improve the additional aspects of my posts like photographs and images, learning graphic editing to improve the aesthetic of posts, and working to improve the design of my site.

The Blog

So what does that have to do with why I blog? Everything.

Blogging has transformed, for me, from a hobby and way to pass time to a “therapy” of sorts. Through blogging, I have broken through the initial layer of my fear of my success. Every little achievement I have seen through blogging, from new followers to number of posts, has given me an affirmation that I do have some semblance of ability. My words do mean something to at least one person out there, and I am able to succeed at something. I’ve been able to engage with so many lovely people both on here and on Twitter, and each engagement teaches me something new about blogging that I am able to use to improve my skills. As I improve, my confidence only increases.

This is something that I have put so much time to, and to see it unfold the way it has provides me with such a sense of elation…I can’t even explain it. Blogging has re-introduced passion into my life, purpose, and a new sense of drive. Of course, depression doesn’t just stop. I still go through peaks and troughs….highs and lows where sometimes those feelings of despair will come back, or I’ll overthink myself into a crisis, but when that happens I am now able to focus that energy on communicating with other bloggers on Twitter, or curating a blog post.

I’m no longer highly skeptical of the heights I can reach, or my abilities. I have goals that aren’t driven by the motions of life, but an inner passion that grows stronger each day. Most of all, I feel a sense of worth. It is for those reasons that I blog, and why I will continue to for as long as I am able 🙂

The Future

I am not looking to turn this into a career or anything or that sort, but since I originally wrote this, I now have a firmer grasp on the idea that I will pursue my passions and live happily off of them. I refuse to submit to the idea that I have to sacrifice what I love or what makes me happy in order to reach success. Of course, sacrifices will have to be made, but there is no reason why I should have to hide myself or my journey. I hope to use my background and experiences to help others, and I refuse to cower behind them or be made to feel like they make me a weak person.

I hope that wasn’t too somber of a post, it is just something I felt the need to share. Over the past few weeks, so many opportunities and growth opportunities have blossomed, and I couldn’t help but sit back and feel thankful for my blog for helping me connect to all of these opportunities and great people. I am not allowing those who feel as if people can’t take blogging up as a hobby are less than or anything of that sort.

For some, this is truly an outlet and a way to heal, don’t take that away from them by invalidating their reasons for starting.

I’ve shared why I blog, but why do you? Please share, I would love to hear 🙂

Until next time

-Court

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