Photo by Felipe Portella on Unsplash
Let’s try this again.
Today, I stayed in bed for an extra 20 minutes. I thought about how much I would like to just sit there and not do anything. I’m not entirely sure what’s getting me up going in the morning. I think today particularly was because it’s pay day. There’s only been one time so far where this has all gotten the better of me and I didn’t do anything, and that was sophomore year. I wouldn’t go to class, I wouldn’t bathe especially because I wasn’t doing anything, I wouldn’t eat. I’m nearly there. I don’t want to go to work, but think I don’t because of the outside perception of “wow, good job Court” for getting a job, and also anxiety being like “you’re just a lazy, entitled, bratty, worthless POS who can’t handle being an adult if you don’t go,” so I do. I’m practically not eating because my appetite has been non-existent for probably months now, but more lately I really just haven’t felt like eating. I bathe though, especially coming back from the city and because I’m moving. Otherwise, if I was stationary, in all honesty I would just like to lie in bed and not do anything.
Yesterday on my way home I got a response email from my preceptor from my senior year. It was nice, and really helped to dissipate negative feelings I was having. Just going to try to go into the days and do the best that I can, not saying that it makes me feel better or makes the situation any better, but hey.
I also got my music back on my phone. Long story short: due to storage optimization, all but my purchased music was erased from my phone, and all of it was un-downloaded from my device. As such, and with my slow service at the moment, i haven’t been able to listen to music which is something that at least temporarily relieves some negative feelings for me. So, I am sitting here typing this right now fairly happy that I am able to listen to some of my music again.
I’m happy that tomorrow is the end of the week so that I can start fresh. I don’t know if this week I am performing badly in this one aspect because of my mood, or if I am just genuinely not that great at it. Either way, it’s messing up my flow. Again, going to try to go into today with more gusto and hope that results in some….results.
Update: So today turned out to be a complete turn around. I met my “quota,” met someone new, and had some reaffirming conversations. I met another employee today who was so nice, and she had a lot of great advice for me pertaining to career growth. As she spoke, I though how timely that conversation was, and her appearance, given the events this week and my thoughts. It’s truly amazing to see how blessings (or whatever you want to call them) work. On the flip side, it’s a bit scary for me to see how quickly I cycle between feeling like I want to quit everything over the course of weeks, and then the next day feel like I have 1,000 tasks I want to conquer. Today I literally started buzzing though projects I want to complete in my head, and am up now getting back on this blogging stuff. Amazing. I will say, I did notice that this wash of negativity really piqued during Ms. Flow’s visit. I won’t say it directly correlated because this persisted, or was building up, long before. It’s just interesting to note that as she leaves, this mood is lifted (for now). Sorry if that’s TMI for anyone, just trying to document what’s going on.
Thinking retrospectively, I do notice more of a downward turn around my time of the month, and when the weather gets cooler. Again, not direct triggers, but something to keep in mind. So much going on in my head right now….
I am excited tomorrow is Friday though. I can’t wait to be finished with the day, grab dinner, and come home to sleeeeeeeeepppp and catch up on some shows! I realized Narcos Season 3 is coming out in a couple weeks and I haven’t even watched season 2! I barely remember what happened in season 1 smh. Maybe I’ll get re-acquainted with that this weekend?