Photo by Felipe Portella on Unsplash
Let’s try this again.
Today, I stayed in bed for an extra 20 minutes. I thought about how much I would like to just sit there and not do anything. I’m not entirely sure what’s getting me up going in the morning. I think today particularly was because it’s pay day. There’s only been one time so far where this has all gotten the better of me and I didn’t do anything, and that was sophomore year. I wouldn’t go to class, I wouldn’t bathe especially because I wasn’t doing anything, I wouldn’t eat. I’m nearly there. I don’t want to go to work, but think I don’t because of the outside perception of “wow, good job Court” for getting a job, and also anxiety being like “you’re just a lazy, entitled, bratty, worthless POS who can’t handle being an adult if you don’t go,” so I do. I’m practically not eating because my appetite has been non-existent for probably months now, but more lately I really just haven’t felt like eating. I bathe though, especially coming back from the city and because I’m moving. Otherwise, if I was stationary, in all honesty I would just like to lie in bed and not do anything.
Yesterday on my way home I got a response email from my preceptor from my senior year. It was nice, and really helped to dissipate negative feelings I was having. Just going to try to go into the days and do the best that I can, not saying that it makes me feel better or makes the situation any better, but hey.
I also got my music back on my phone. Long story short: due to storage optimization, all but my purchased music was erased from my phone, and all of it was un-downloaded from my device. As such, and with my slow service at the moment, i haven’t been able to listen to music which is something that at least temporarily relieves some negative feelings for me. So, I am sitting here typing this right now fairly happy that I am able to listen to some of my music again.