Photo by Benjamin Balázs on Unsplash
Writing my reflection of yesterday and thinking of two things – how I recognize changes in my depression and anxiety (increased irritability, catastrophizing, snowballing, teeth clenching, stomach aches, decreased appetite, persistent sleepiness) and also the fact that lots of job related angst is due to men not feeling like I’m doing my best.
I am trying to keep in mind that it has only been a month (not even a full one yet, so I should chill the fuck out a little. That’s the wild thing though, as clearly as I know all of this…it STILL doesn’t change anything for me. That has been an interesting change in dealing with my mental health in the last two years or so. I would say that I’ve always been pretty in tune with my emotions and the like, but I would say that my emotional intelligence has increased very much. BUT, that awareness is weird. I am acutely aware of how I’m feeling and why at all times, and can rationalize these things pretty well, but for some reason can’t fix them, or am not sure how to. Maybe it’s because it all comes down to self worth and that is not something one just “fixes.”
A ladybug visited my desk about 20 minutes before I had to leave for the morning to my other site. That made me feel good. They’re good luck, right? At first when it was flying I was like “wtf is that?!” But after it set down I realized it was a ladybug. I tried to let it fly back outside since it landed on my sticky note, but it just sat there so I left it. I wonder If it will be there when I come back later.
Update: nope, no luck. My hopeful ambitions quickly dissolved into burning worthlessness and “why did I do this?” My “quota” was once again not met for my task at hand, making me feel even more worthless and inadequate for this job. That, coupled with the overall demeanor and attitudes of those I am meant to carry out this duty to/for? The dismissiveness and sarcasm behind their tongues left me feeling so dejected that I left and cried in the bathroom. I decided to leave and carry out the rest of my day working on another project. This aspect of this job is taking a lot out of me. More training isn’t the answer. I’ve shown already that I have no backbone, and that I don’t understand what’s going on, two things that set up this relationship for me for whatever my duration will be at this job. I feel horrible, embarrassed, and I want to go home.
Interestingly, I am left thinking: would this really change in another position? Probably not. Unless I was in a position that was very easy. My mom always said that I don’t apply myself to opportunities that match my potential or my ability: look what happened when I did – I devolved from a bright eyed 21 year old eager to enter the workforce to a depressed employee feeling worthless and inadequate. Of course these feelings existed prior to me starting, but still.
This makes me think more: i seem to experience things thematically. In jobs, not feeling like I can carry them out, with friendships, feeling lonely or like I don’t actually have friends, and overall just feeling like I’m just “here.” Not in a gravely serious way, but sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to just end it all? I try to maintain a more positive mindset, change my thinking, self care up the ass…..those things work very temporarily, but slowly but surely this gloom always pulls me back into its grasp. I’m tired. I don’t want it.
I got back to the other office though and the ladybug was still there. Maybe it’s a sign tomorrow might be better.