Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash
Headed to work work, and I have my sneakers.
I was ready and prepared to make up for yesterday, but wasn’t aware of the difference between the morning and afternoon schedules for the shuttle to transport me to my other site for the day. Thus? I once again ended up staying up at my home base. I was able to carry out the job duty required of me with that respect, but not as well as I would have hoped. That definitely set me in a funk, exacerbating whatever this muck of a mood is that has been plaguing me for maybe two weeks now.
Over the course of the day, this mood persisted. I tried to really sit down and consider why I am feeling this way, and was able to come up with this:
I have been in this new position now for nearly a month, and am only really now starting to get settled since last week, my third week. I still do not have everything I need, and it took a while (which is normal). However, due to my anxiety, unless I am able to “practice” everything I need to do with great care, I feel very unprepared and inadequate doing my work. This is what I’ve been feeling here. I already feel very incompetent, but there is this added layer of never feeling like I’m performing my job duties well. Then to add to that, I don’t have self-confidence. There are some days when I am able to fake it better than others, but generally speaking, I do not think to highly of myself…I am not kind to myself at all.
At what point this originated, I am not sure, but I’ve never really had confidence in myself. This isn’t due to any lack of support from my parents or loved ones, as they are always very proud of everything I do, and fiercely confident in my ability. This is all intrinsic, stemming from within. No matter what people tell me, it just never seems to sink in.
So, I was thinking about this, coupled with other perceived (or real, depends how you want to look at it) failures like friendships and the like, and just fell deeper into this cesspool of “meh.”
I did get an impromptu visit from my boyfriend which was nice. I’m so thankful for him, he’s such a beautiful person. That did lighten my mood and help me get through the rest of the day.