If you follow me on Instagram, you may or may not have seen this post where I said I was going to try to start writing things that pop into my head as they come up and just post them. Why? Fits more into mental health blogging the way I wanted it to be – unfiltered. With that in mind, I tried to write down reflections of each day this week, and wanted to start by posting from Monday. Of course, these will be behind since it is currently Wednesday evening, but…..
Let’s get started.
Feeling like I’m entering a trough again with my depression/anxiety hasn’t been on the greatest of levels since starting this new job. That’s mostly due to the fact that it’s new, but of course there’s also Imposter Syndrome, among other thoughts that contribute to this.
See related: My Relationship with Imposter Syndrome
I’ve probably beat the horse saying this, but I have to wake up very early in order to make it to work – much earlier than I am used to. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sleep (or don’t? Might also be depression…not sure), so having to adjust to such a drastic change in my sleeping pattern/semi-depriving myself of sleep is hard. I think this has played a part in my semi-rapid decline, the sleep…but moving along.
I made it to work with some time to spare, only to realize I forgot my sneakers, which play an integral part in me carrying out one of my job duties. Thus, I had to forego performing this task. I hadn’t anticipated doing that, especially considering I had to put that duty to the back burner since Wednesday in order to catch myself up on another project I hadn’t been able to start due to having no computer. This seemingly small setback had me in a fog for some time, but then I tried to just focus on my tasks at hand and got over that.
Nonetheless, the creeping foreboding mood persisted. With around an hour and forty-five minutes left before I was slated to leave, I started to think “what if I just early since I didn’t take my lunch?” It was getting that bad. I think my co-worker picked up on my “something’s up-ness,” because she asked me:
That’s when I thought for a split second – stigma, or whatever you want to call it, is really a hassle. All I could reply was, “I’m not feeling too well, just been in a bit of a fog lately.” That could be taken as a fog due to a cold, some other kind of sinus thing, or whatever. I wish it were “okay” to just say, “I’ve been feeling like an entire piece of shit lately and just want to cry and sleep all day.”
But I can’t to do that now, can I?