Dropping Out Senior Year (Kind Of)| Courtenay’s Beauty Box

I always go through a roller coaster of thoughts in the days/hours leading up to school. This particular stream of thoughts has been on my mind all of winter break, but of course it’s in full swing as I am only hours away from departing to campus – what if I just leave?

(disclaimer(s): video was posted hours after blog post was written +  subsequent posts may not make sense after reading this since those were written much earlier + this was written in full transparency/in the height of a thought process/emotional experience)

love-selfcare-createherstock-2

Some context:

  • This is my spring semester of my senior year
  • I only technically have one class left to finish my degree
  • This class is for my minor, which I may need to drop
  • I’m basically finished with my degree.

This isn’t going up before my “What’s Next?” post, so here’s the rundown of all of the other ish going on since I’m basically done:

  • I still have a research project to complete
  • I still have another semester’s worth of work to do for my fellowship
  • I’m already signed up to do fieldwork at the same place I was at last semester (though I can get out of this if needed)
  • I have gone through the process of becoming a volunteer at the local hospital so that I can shadow an O.T. there (which included a day long orientation)
  • I’m signed up to take a course at the local community college (which I paid for)

So, what’s going on?

Basically, college has been an emotional roller coaster through hell for me. I had chances to leave and graduate early, which I did not take (the former because I am stupid, and the latter because I didn’t want to graduate early with no real solid plan for my next steps). This always leaves me with this lingering “what if” feeling/regret (which I know is bad, but whatever it’s the truth). I know it’s the end, and I could just stick it out, but a big part of me just wants to say f*ck it and leave. I’m just left with a few dilemmas in this situation:

  1. I know that I can get a full tuition refund before January 23rd, but I am highly under the impression that I will still have to pay for the loans covering this semester since they’ve been disbursed already. I can also get the full amount I paid for the community college class if I process everything before the first day of classes, but ugh
  2. If I left, I would have to start paying my loans back immediately (the unsubsidized ones at least – and all without exit counseling), which leads me to…
  3. I don’t have a job lined up. The type of work I am looking for, I am hoping I can get, but these days who really knows?
  4. Loose ends: the research project + fellowship, and then going cold turkey on shadowing and fieldwork
  5. No transition into life

These are some of the cons in the situation you could say. I’m not worried about the graduate school stuff though, since I could just take the classes I need while working. I’m just in a bind because I know a lot of this is wrapped up in my anxiety surrounding school and just really not wanting anything to do with it anymore. On the other hand, I can’t say how practical this all is. I’m just a big mess right now. I just want to be finished with this chapter…

Has anyone else dropped out/had to take a leave of absence/suddenly withdrew from school? Has anyone thought about it?

-Court

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