I always go through a roller coaster of thoughts in the days/hours leading up to school. This particular stream of thoughts has been on my mind all of winter break, but of course it’s in full swing as I am only hours away from departing to campus – what if I just leave?
(disclaimer(s): video was posted hours after blog post was written + subsequent posts may not make sense after reading this since those were written much earlier + this was written in full transparency/in the height of a thought process/emotional experience)
- This is my spring semester of my senior year
- I only technically have one class left to finish my degree
- This class is for my minor, which I may need to drop
- I’m basically finished with my degree.
This isn’t going up before my “What’s Next?” post, so here’s the rundown of all of the other ish going on since I’m basically done:
- I still have a research project to complete
- I still have another semester’s worth of work to do for my fellowship
- I’m already signed up to do fieldwork at the same place I was at last semester (though I can get out of this if needed)
- I have gone through the process of becoming a volunteer at the local hospital so that I can shadow an O.T. there (which included a day long orientation)
- I’m signed up to take a course at the local community college (which I paid for)
So, what’s going on?
Basically, college has been an emotional roller coaster through hell for me. I had chances to leave and graduate early, which I did not take (the former because I am stupid, and the latter because I didn’t want to graduate early with no real solid plan for my next steps). This always leaves me with this lingering “what if” feeling/regret (which I know is bad, but whatever it’s the truth). I know it’s the end, and I could just stick it out, but a big part of me just wants to say f*ck it and leave. I’m just left with a few dilemmas in this situation:
- I know that I can get a full tuition refund before January 23rd, but I am highly under the impression that I will still have to pay for the loans covering this semester since they’ve been disbursed already. I can also get the full amount I paid for the community college class if I process everything before the first day of classes, but ugh
- If I left, I would have to start paying my loans back immediately (the unsubsidized ones at least – and all without exit counseling), which leads me to…
- I don’t have a job lined up. The type of work I am looking for, I am hoping I can get, but these days who really knows?
- Loose ends: the research project + fellowship, and then going cold turkey on shadowing and fieldwork
- No transition into life
These are some of the cons in the situation you could say. I’m not worried about the graduate school stuff though, since I could just take the classes I need while working. I’m just in a bind because I know a lot of this is wrapped up in my anxiety surrounding school and just really not wanting anything to do with it anymore. On the other hand, I can’t say how practical this all is. I’m just a big mess right now. I just want to be finished with this chapter…
Has anyone else dropped out/had to take a leave of absence/suddenly withdrew from school? Has anyone thought about it?