I Sabotaged My College Experience?

I feel like a fraud. I shouldn’t give anyone college advice. I was so enveloped in my depression and anxiety freshman-junior year, I didn’t really do too much. Yeah there were a couple parties sprinkled into my college experience, a few games here and there, and even a few friends. However, I spent most of my time working, in class, or at home studying, sleeping, or streaming movies and TV.

I often wonder if I didn’t like my school because of the culture, or if I wasn’t able to enjoy it because, again, I was struggling. I talked myself out of things as I often do, I withdrew mentally and emotionally, and I tortured my mind, body, and soul.

As I head into my senior year, I am more convinced that there was an interplay between these two: I came into college already dealing with depression, but environmental factors put it into a pressure cooker and I cracked.

But, after much rambling, back to the question posed in the title: yes and no. Yes, there are many ways I could have changed the outcome of these years. But, I am a firm believer (even though I forget many times) that things work themselves out. Yeah there are plenty of times I want to kick myself in the mouth for not doing x, or going to this meeting, or applying for this thing, etc, there are many reasons I am thankful for these hard times.

Yes, I may have “missed out” on some opportunities, or took longer to reach certain decisions. Yes, I might have had a better social experience if I went to another school on my list, or if I had listened to myself and followed through with transferring. But no, I don’t think I sabotaged anything. This semester aloneI’ve been able to intern/shadow in a Neurology clinic, work with an amazing human rights organization, come closer to solidifying my future career plans, gotten to speak at the U.N., and so much more. Yeah, I wish things could have gone a bit differently, but I’m so happy with the direction life is taking.

For my seniors out there, how are you feeling about your college experiences (reflecting)?

-Court

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2 thoughts on “I Sabotaged My College Experience?

  1. This is such a refreshing read! I’m still a college junior and my school kind of really emphasizes the fact that everyone should be doing everything all the time (they’ve even adopted a motto that emphasizes it) and I sometimes feel bad about how long it took me to actually start doing things. I currently don’t see it as a sabotage of my future, but I find it really easy to forget. I think it just takes everyone different periods of time to fall into their groove and become comfortable with it (my groove was finding out that I really can’t handle doing a bunch of things and accepting that)! I wish you the best in the rest of your senior year!

    Like

    • Yeah, everyone moves at their own pace 🙂 It’s only now in my senior year that I’ve honed in on what it is that I want to do career-wise, and have really found my voice as far as vocalizing what I want. So glad you found this helpful, and thanks so much! I wish you the best with the rest of your junior year, and college!

      Liked by 1 person

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