I feel like a fraud. I shouldn’t give anyone college advice. I was so enveloped in my depression and anxiety freshman-junior year, I didn’t really do too much. Yeah there were a couple parties sprinkled into my college experience, a few games here and there, and even a few friends. However, I spent most of my time working, in class, or at home studying, sleeping, or streaming movies and TV.
I often wonder if I didn’t like my school because of the culture, or if I wasn’t able to enjoy it because, again, I was struggling. I talked myself out of things as I often do, I withdrew mentally and emotionally, and I tortured my mind, body, and soul.
As I head into my senior year, I am more convinced that there was an interplay between these two: I came into college already dealing with depression, but environmental factors put it into a pressure cooker and I cracked.
But, after much rambling, back to the question posed in the title: yes and no. Yes, there are many ways I could have changed the outcome of these years. But, I am a firm believer (even though I forget many times) that things work themselves out. Yeah there are plenty of times I want to kick myself in the mouth for not doing x, or going to this meeting, or applying for this thing, etc, there are many reasons I am thankful for these hard times.
Yes, I may have “missed out” on some opportunities, or took longer to reach certain decisions. Yes, I might have had a better social experience if I went to another school on my list, or if I had listened to myself and followed through with transferring. But no, I don’t think I sabotaged anything. This semester alone, I’ve been able to intern/shadow in a Neurology clinic, work with an amazing human rights organization, come closer to solidifying my future career plans, gotten to speak at the U.N., and so much more. Yeah, I wish things could have gone a bit differently, but I’m so happy with the direction life is taking.
For my seniors out there, how are you feeling about your college experiences (reflecting)?